Saturday, March 14, 2009

Dude... Where's my Deity?

One of the topics to emerge from the ramblings (I say ramblings, really the noise in the bar got to such that I destroyed my voice) during GOAMeet and with everyone was a simple question.

How do our characters come back from the dead?

Most games and lores have some reason, however fluffy or flighty, for peoples miracle returns from beyond.
City of Heroes/Villains has medical teleporters with Rikti technology that rebuilds and repairs you on a molecular level as your vitals hit a threshold and you're whisked away.
EVE has pods and when even those fail, cloning technology with flash memory transfer.
Warcraft has something where your screen goes all grey and you go hunting for your corpse. Hey I don't play, I don't know the particulars.

Warhammer though.... for a grim and gritty place where death is usually final and practically always brutal.. what is the mechanism. I remember once before theorising what it could be. Perhaps in the ebb and flow of the war your body is discovered by friendly forces and brought back to camp for a quick bit of r&r followed by more slash and hack.

However we have a new theory. One that explains why Slayers, Dwarfs who actively seek their own death, keep getting up. One that explains just how you manage to always come back for another bout.

Morr is on holiday. The Kingdom is closed and new applications are not at this time being reviewed. The God of the Underworld/Heaven/Souls/Whathaveyou is away in metaphysical Hawaii with his scythe covered and his feet up.

This begs the question though... what are all the other gods up to? There are plenty in Warhammer, everyone gets at least one.
Some theories.


  • Sigmar is currently sitting on a cloud weilding a padded Ghal Maraz. He's wrapped that bad boy in a few pillows and is playing Inspirational Whack A Mole. Given the amount of Warrior Priests suddenly heeding his call and going out praying/caving in skulls in his name, this makes sense. "You there, feel holy?" *WHACK* "You are now. Go preach."
  • The only Elven Gods to get airtime for Order are Isha, Asuryan and Khaine.
    We'll come back to Khaine. My only theory regarding the (in)action of the High Elf Pantheon has got to be phone lines. Every Elf exclaims "ISHA!" or "ASURYAN!" about ten million times per scenario/public quest. All lines are currently jammed, please try again later or press 1 to speak to a member of another pantheon.
  • Dwarfs? We're too hard to need to bother Grimnir, Grungi or Valaya. Anyway Grimnir is busy in the Chaos Gate proving how badass Dwarfs are.
  • The most overworked Order deities though. Shallaya and Ranald. One's busy taking all the prayers that Morr has skipped out on. Death not sticking? Go bother the healer. The other is busy causing mischief in every loot roll in exsistence.
    Myrmidia isn't getting a look in right now.


  • Tzeentch. Just as planned. Tzeentch is busy orchestrating the entire Age of Reckoning. You know what this means? The entire thing is a fake out. If Khorne is busy sulking and making do with the Bastion Stair, Nurgle is busy cracking new jokes and old pustles and Slaneesh is keeping it under wraps then it can only mean they don't feel threathened by Tzeentch (or do feel threathened by the ESRB). Expect randomness.
  • Gork And Mork.
    Like Morr they're mostly absent. Is it that they don't believe in da boyz? Not at all.
    Nurgle just made the best fart joke in all of exsistence and they are otherwise indisposed.
  • Khaine
    MUUUUUUUUUUUURDER and polygamy. Seriously, with that many Brides of Khaine and Disciples running about he's a busy boy. Khaine doesn't have time for your sacrficies (though they are appreciated, don't let that bastard Khorne get them) because he's busy getting hitched, inspiring and making sure his brother Morr stays on the expenses paid vacation.
    "Morr....bro, I know you hate me but what could I gain from you taking some time off apart from having people endlessly coming back from the brink of death only so my followers can kill them again...what? I said nothing. So... Pina Coladas?"

What do you think? Where are the Warhammer Gods?


Anonymous said...

I think you're just as hilarious and awesome as ever.

That's what I think.



Greenskin lover.

Anonymous said...

<3 the rundown. Can't stop snickering.